Highlight of Dolphins' Night Comes in the Form of Brawl in Stands

The Miami Dolphins had to know it wasn't going to be their night on Thursday when they were forced to turn to their third-string quarterback against the Chicago Bears. If not at the start of the game, they probably realized that it wasn't their night when Tyler Thigpen was completing just 59% of his passes. If not then, they probably had to figure things were looking bleak upon realizing that that 59% was actually helping to boost Thigpen's career average. And if not then, maybe reality sunk in upon discovering the best offense Miami could muster during the game came in the stands, with a Chicago Bears fan apparently getting kicked out of the game, for, one has to assume, just sitting their and smiling as his team shut out, SHUT OUT(!), the home team 16-0 in a game that dropped Miami to a mediocre 5-5 record.

Indeed, mere days after football fans were treated to a veritable cornucopia of points in Monday's 59-28 Philadelphia Eagles win over the Washington Redskins, they were equally treated to a humiliating display of the Dolphins' offensive might, or lack thereof, that saw Miami make only one third-down conversion.

Think about that for a second: Miami couldn't score in a game that rewards team for coming up short with the ability to kick a field goal from, realistically speaking, as much as 40 yards out. That's like saying a particularly geeky-looking guy blessed with a huge wad of cash couldn't score in a bar, despite being surrounded by countless single women AND all the while being within walking distance of his city's red-light district.

And the Dolphins' impotence last night shouldn't even be considered the byproduct of a particularly ballsy Tony Sparano risking and losing decent field-goal range time and again in order to try and score a major. Up until the end of the third quarter, had they had the opportunity to kick a field goal, they could have and it would have brought them within a reasonable striking range of six points. Probably wouldn't have mattered, anyway, considering nothing the Dolphins did had any impact on the final score. It was like watching a lamb being led to a slaughter.. a very, very slow, and boring, and brutal slaughter. They had no chance... and it doesn't get any better for them with their recent injury epidemic,claiming wide receiver Brandon Marshall last night as well.

"You mean I have to THROW the ball to be successful?"

So, the Dolphins get shut out at home for the first since 2001, and the second time since 1970, and, yet, all is not lost. They get to play the Oakland Raiders, the Cleveland Browns, the Buffalo Bills, the Detroit Lions, and division rivals New England Patriots and New York Jets in their remaining six games of the year. While a tad unrealistic, it is still possible for them to win the AFC East crown. Unfortunately, two things have to happen: 1) They Patriots and Jets need to take a turn for the worse and 2) The Dolphins need to get healthy... and, oh, yeah, putting up some points would be nice.

Eight-Year Old Apparently Tackled for not Being a Browns Fan...

"Not even I, the creator of The Drew Carey Show, can condone this affront to mankind."

... which I guess would mean 99.999999% of all the people in America outside of Cleveland deserve to be tackled as well? What, with Drew Carey now residing in California and all.

In all seriousness, it's becoming more clear every day why LeBron James wanted out and that whole spiel about signing with the Miami Heat because it gave him the best chance at winning a championship? A line, designed to not offend, because the truth: "Clevelanders tackle kids" probably would have landed him some horse manure on the lawn of his Akron, Ohio home.

We know not all Clevelanders are responsible for this reprehensible act, which saw an eight-year-old New York Jets fan get tackled in the parking lot of the Browns' stadium on Sunday following the team's 26-20 loss, but this is unfortunately a case of a few bad apples spoiling it for everyone, with "it" meaning the reputation of every resident of the city. It may not be right, but, c'mon, a dude hit a second-grader! What kind of behaviour, even drunken behaviour is that?

One would have thought that it would have been safe to assume that the line for overzealous, drunken fans was heckling kids, but congratulations, Clevelanders! One of your own not only crossed it, but ran so far past it the line is not even a dot in the rear view. The defense that the child should have known better than to wear a Jets jersey to a Browns home game is no defense at all. If it is ever uttered it would only go to show just how far off the reservation Cleveland Browns fans have gone. More proof? The fact that they're fans of the Cleveland Browns, a team that has yet to win a playoff game in the franchise's existence. Sure, the Browns won four championships between 1950 and 1964, but those were the Baltimore Ravens, weren't they? Does it still sting, Browns fans? Good. Now you know how the kid's scraped leg feels.

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If Chess Is for Intellectuals, Negotiations between the NFL and the PA are a Bad Game of Checkers

The NFL’s goal is to increase league revenue from the $8.5 billion it enjoyed last year to $25 billion in 2027... which, all things considered, translates into a lot more enjoyment for everyone involved. Except maybe the players... 

One tends to forget that professional football players do have a job and they have rights... of course, a lot of them do seem to end up waiving those rights en route to the nearest police station every now and then, but that is of little consequence. The fact of the matter is the league’s latest idea to increase the season by two games (from 16 to 18 games per team per year, taking away two pre-season games in the process) means more work for players. Even though football is technically a game it’s a particularly brutal game, during which serious injury is not so much a risk but an everyday occurrence.

As a result, you’ll be hard-pressed to find more than one currently employed NFL player that is completely on board with risking life and limb for a couple more weeks every season. That one player you probably could find? Likely Brett Favre, but he’s also the same guy that doesn’t realize that the sane thing to do when you break an ankle is to not continue subjecting it to weekly three-hour-long torture tests of trying to dance around opposing players who would sooner rip off your leg altogether than get grief on the sidelines for taking it easy on an old man.

In any case, the league’s proposal was reportedly met with a counter by the NFLPA, which is said to ask for the following:

1)      Two bye weeks instead of just one, which is like saying: “Get real, NFL. The football season drags on long enough. Don’t make it two weeks longer. Make it three!”

2)      Expanded rosters, i.e. creating more jobs at the elite level, which would likely also help alleviate the ever-pressing need to carry more than one long snapper on each team.

3)      A two-thirds reduction of off-season workouts, because, God knows, Washington Redskins nose tackle Albert Haynesworth is fit enough.

Clearly, football, in the U.S., is big business, so big in fact that its players have come down with a nasty case of considering themselves to be even bigger, thinking that they are the product, which is funny, seeing as the average NFL career lasts three-and-a-half seasons. Talk about employee turnover. These guys should be more worried about keeping their jobs than handing out new ones.

Not only that, but increasing roster sizes would water down the talent in the league. And a reduction in off-season workouts would water down the talent of its players. As such, it stands to reason that the NFL would never agree to such conditions. But wait: Considering that the league’s demands are just as unreasonable, resulting in a watered-down schedule, maybe there is hope an agreement can be reached after all. Let me explain:

The league trying to turn two pre-season games into two regular-season games is an admission of guilt of being greedy, whether it wants to see it that way or not. Pre-season games are meant to give coaching staffs the opportunity to see who deserves to make the team and who doesn’t.  By proposing to change half of those games into regular-season ones, the NFL is essentially saying that they’re not even that important, thereby casually admitting that all they’ve ever represented is a cash grab, a source of revenue to the tune of $400 million league-wide, one too great to ignore. The NFL likes squeezing as much as they can out of fans, and now it’s making it seem as though adding two regular-season games is its way of giving back. It’s actually a way of taking more. The league needs those two games about as much as Favre needs another scandal. Force the issue enough and it just might get one itself.

"Dude, I told you. I only go for hot women."

The fact that league revenues supposedly tripled from 1994 to 2009 is proof that the league is hitting its stride. So projecting it to be a $25-billion business by 2027 is somewhat realistic. But only if the product stays high-quality. Considering each side’s demands would lead to just the opposite, maybe it’s high time the status quo is considered.

Otherwise two extra games in theory will lead to none in practice, with a lockout a very real possibility. And that wouldn’t be fun for anybody... except maybe fans once they realize they can get their sports fix elsewhere for nowhere near the same cost. That’s a risk the NFL owners should think twice about taking.

McNabb and Redskins Pull Rabbit out of Their Hat, then Lay an Egg

"That guy did it... me, I was nowhere near the field last night."

After Monday night’s disaster of a “game” between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Washington Redskins, it’s perhaps important, especially for Washingtonians, to think back to a happy place, a simpler time, mainly when they weren’t having their behinds handed to them by a would-be extra in The Longest Yard in Michael Vick.

For example, think back a few weeks when the team was actually above .500. Think back to when the idea to pull starting quarterback Donovan McNabb in the dying moments of a loss to the Detroit Lions was but a pipedream in the mind of the double-headed hydra that is the Shanahans.

Think back even to this weekend when news of a five-year, $78-million contract between the two sides had not yet been released to media outlets, had not yet caused mass-hysteria and widespread confusion within the nation’s capital. Reports actually surfaced that several city blocks had to be shut down out of fear of one, big city-wide traffic accident taking place when the news first hit, at which point countless commuters no doubt took their eyes off the road and stared blankly at their radios. Well, not really. But it’s easy to imagine.

This nonsensical development sure puts things into perspective, makes you realize not to take anything for granted, like the knowledge that the sky is blue, for example, because as sure as molecules in the air we breathe scatter the sun’s blue light more than they do its red, up until a few days ago everyone KNEW the Redskins weren’t going to re-sign McNabb when he was to become a free agent at season’s end. And then this happened. Of course, there is an out in the contract that allows the Redskins to cut ties with McNabb at the end of this year, but if exercised that would lead to just another huge public embarrassment, of which the team has suffered through many.

If the relationship between McNabb and head coach Mike Shanahan and offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan is just peachy, which is the official party line to be toted, then fine. It’s a deal that should be lauded. As McNabb pointed out on the radio in response to Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Terrell Owens’ tweet yesterday, “how do u justify a 78 million dollar contract with this type of performance?”, the 2-7 Bengals are paying their quarterback, Carson Palmer, $118.75 million over six years. Consider it a misstep by T.O. to put down a QB, who clearly had reason to be pretty touchy after an embarrassing 59-28 loss.

When all is said and done, McNabb didn’t necessarily let his team down on Monday. Admittedly, he did throw three interceptions, but he did pass for 295 yards. Considering Michael Vick, who has gotten rave reviews for his performance, passed for 333, clearly McNabb wasn’t as horrible as Owens led people to believe. And as far as I know McNabb doesn’t play defense, meaning at least some of those 59 points the Eagles put up weren’t his fault. On any other day, 28 points should have been enough to give the Redskins a decent chance at winning, but they didn’t not just because of McNabb but because the entire team didn’t show up. All last night added up to was a bad loss (okay, a horrible loss) at a really bad time.

When all is said and done, the game was much more about Vick’s dominance, with the pivot actually moving past Steve Young into second all-time for most yards rushed by a quarterback (former Eagle Randall Cunningham is first). It even seems to be a bit of an injustice to talk about how McNabb was to blame for the loss when Vick had so much to do with his team’s victory.

As such, let Vick and the Eagles have their day. And let the Redskins get to healing after their monumental defeat. The good news is there’s no way it can get any worse than it got yesterday. Of course, the bad news is up until yesterday no one thought it could get that bad.

Maybe McNabb could take a page out of Vick’s playbook and look to him for inspiration. It’s nothing short of incredible what Vick has been able to accomplish following his 21-month stay in prison. Sixty months may seem like much longer, but there is a chance the deal works out for everyone involved. And, if not, we can all at least look forward to more squabbling between the Shanahans and McNabb from here on out.

If only no One Could See the Cowboys Play Every Week...

Let the record show that while the lights went out at New Meadowlands Stadium on Sunday night during the Dallas Cowboys' 33-20 win over the New York Giants, the Cowboys themselves were not lights out. In fact, they were the beneficiaries of one especially tragic Eli Manning pass that, had it not been intercepted, possible could have changed the outcome of the game.

However, it is important to give credit where credit is due and cornerback Brian McCann did set a record for a 101-yard interception return on the play. And even though running back Felix Jones did score a mere 40 seconds after the lights initially went off like a thief in the night, delivering the fatal blow to the giants as they slept, it's important that the Cowboys do get full marks for showing up one week too late to save their ex-head coach Wade Phillips. What must he be thinking, reading the paper this morning? Probably the furthest thing from: "good for them", and more likely containing one or two expletives bookending "those sons of...".

While in an earlier post we said it would be a miracle if interim head coach Jason Garrett was able to get his team to win a second game, we must admit our mistake, not necessarily for giving the Cowboys not enough credit, but for not accounting for the fact that coaching changes tend to have short-term positive effects on teams' performances. It remains to be seen just how long they can keep this up. While the Detroit Lions, the Cowboys' next opponents on Sunday are also 2-7, one thing Dallas may not have counted on is that the game will be played at noon, in the daylight with no chance of a solar eclipse. Of course, if the retractable roof at Cowboys stadium is conveniently closed next weekend, we'll all know why.